Beginnings

‘The beginnings of all things are weak and tender. We must therefore be clear-sighted in the beginnings…’ says Montaigne.

Imany’s song Slow down is playing in the background as I write this post. We have indeed slowed down in the past year after I left my 9-5 corporate job where I worked as a scientist in a biotech company for many years, and instead focused on daily chores and family activities. I, with my husband’s support, decided such a change was necessary and planned it a year ahead. Still, it was a hard decision to leave the life and aspirations that were forced on me for the past 20 years. For one, I didn’t know who I was going to be, my job had seeped into my identity, and most of my close friends are career oriented, how would this change our relationships I wondered, and second, as a woman I always thought it to be a privilege to be out there working, achieving, and having financial independence. Here I was throwing it all away. Yet, everyday I went to work, I felt I was betraying myself as I tried to fit into the mold that was set before me with titles, rules, and the constant competition. More, work was bleeding into my evenings, weekends, even vacations blurring the life I wanted to live. It took a while but I finally had the courage, self-acceptance, and the means to leave it behind.

The world didn’t come to an end as I feared it would after I left, indeed it always goes on, doesn’t it, and we adjust to our new circumstances. Yet it took longer than I anticipated to relax and settle into our new direction; more joy, less stress, more space, less materials, more creating, less spending, more reading, less worrying. In the early days I would find myself on the couch gazing over the greenery outside, dismissing the book in my hand, and be filled with peace, light and ease; a lightness I never felt before, freedom must be it. But what followed those moments of peace was guilt: sitting there and doing nothing!?? While I still struggle with the guilt of not working from time to time, especially when I’m having a good time (and immediately put myself to busy work), and wonder where my daily actions (chores that never end) fit in a dopamine junkie world, I am more present and deliberate in my actions, and my priorities especially when it comes to my family and close friends.

So this is where I begin here, with the intention of sharing, uplifting and exploring our fleeting existence…