I take a shower, hot followed by cold water, I put on a dress, it doesn’t work, I try another one. This one might do. I put on some concealer, a lipstick and eyeliner. I’m ready. This is how I show up to the world outside. We are not going out for a hike. This time we are going out to stroll at the promenade. Plus I’m bored, I’m trying to cheer myself up. But I keep hearing this question in my head as I am dressing up; how do you show up to the world? It makes me more eager to look good.
That was last night. Today I feel differently about my answer. This morning I want to say ‘as I am!’, that’s how I want to show up in the world. But then, who am I? Haven’t figured that one out yet. So I clarify; I’d like to show up with curiosity, and eagerness, and hopefully innocence. I want to show up fresh. New. With a ‘don’t know mind’. With open eyes. Not with predated, archived perceptions and reactions.
How do I actually show up? Guarded. Shielded. Kind. Yet fleeting. Ready to come back. Sometimes sorry I left the house. Eager to make a good impression. I already know how I want it all unfold. I want nothing to unfold. I want neat, tidy, good, nice.
Our car battery ran out a few weeks ago. I flipped out. This, because somebody forgot to turn the car off when we went to watch a soccer game, was unexpected (the car was barely used and only 2 years old). This, was neither tidy nor nice. I got angry. Then sad. I felt like a loser. It only took a few minutes to be fixed. But I was already in a place where I was down, stuck, fixed. Not fluid.
Should I have danced around with joy when this happened? No. But I’d like to be curious, and wonder, wow, what’s going to happen now? Instead of giving this trauma response: ‘this shouldn’t have happened, what a disaster, how embarrassing, how could we let this happen?’; I’m exhausted just writing these praises… Well, here at least I can refrain from giving a similar reaction to my response then.
So I ask, ‘wow, that’s where I went with that, what’s going to happen now?’…
How are you showing up in the world today?
