We are approaching towards the New Year. 2020 has taught us to be cautious and prepared. Still we are eager to move on, hoping better days are ahead of us. I think though, we know better, we know not to make demands of life, to be open and welcoming is a better way of experiencing life than pushing it away.
What is your intention for this new year? No not goals. But what is your innermost intention? I’ve been asking myself this question for awhile. Somewhere in there I want to be a better version of myself, that though is only possible if I breathe into this imperfect, at times inadequate one right here. So I decide that my intention, as I intend to accept it daily, is to honor this imperfect being that leaves so much wanting.
When I was in my early teens I wanted to be an astronaut, not because I wanted to be a spacewoman but because it seemed to me at the time, that to be an astronaut was to be a superb being in every possible way; intelligent and at the top of physical and mental well being that is (how was I to know that some are as crazy as the rest of us), and strangely, even though I lived in Turkey, a nation who had nothing to do with innovative space research, I believed it to be possible. Now I can only simile at that ambitious, dreamy young girl and I wonder if she’d be disappointed, my tween self, if faced with my late 40s self. I only know I am proud of her, that she dared to dream and was not deterred by circumstances, though very naive.
It is raining today (a few days before posting this) and it feels magical, the gray skies grant permission to stay put, drink tea and reminisce about my youth. The remembrance of the young stranger that I carry with leftover cells and partial memories. I smile and wonder if there will be an 80 year old version of me wondering about this young(!) woman, about her lack of ambition, but I suppose search for the truth is an ambition. Will she have found a place where moment to moment she has access to truth? Or is it the search that is only true?
I’ve always been into philosophy and I know for some of you these are convoluted, meaningless insights. Maybe a part of me agrees, but you see the larger part of me lives for this; wondering and wandering…
